Light

"In him was light, and that light was the light of men." "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has never overcome it" (John's gospel, opening chapter)

Lord, you invite me into the light
And I avoid you. 
Thinking you mean the cold, forensic light
Of the operating theatre.
Causing intense but healing pain.
And I fear and won't come in.

Or the eye-watering, squinting brilliance
Of your sun-radiance.
I need that - gazing at stars, twisting the limits of mind
Around bafflement of distance and scale:
Holy God, Remote, Unreachable.
Too much "love" for a human to handle safely
Far too much - you terrify me! (And I don't want
To bother you)

But I feel you beckon me in by candlelight.
Where I can focus on my hands.
And your voice.  And look at my feet, when your voice
Gets too much for me.

I feel safe in that warm light. Quiet. Known.
You take the edge off my reserve and awkwardness,
Leading me by stealth to open up layers
Of myself that you knew about
Before the world was formed.

Words

God With Us (He walked where I walk)

He walked where I walk (echo)
He stood where I stand (echo)
He felt what I feel (echo)
He understands (echo)
He knows my frailty (echo)
Shared my humanity (echo)
Tempted in every way (echo)
Yet without sin (echo)
God with us, so close to us (all)
God with us, Immanuel! (Repeat)
One of a hated race (echo)
Stung by the prejudice (echo)
Suffering injustice (echo)
Yet he forgives (echo)
Wept for my wasted years (echo)
Paid for my wickedness (echo)
He died in my place (echo)
That I might live (echo)
Graham Kendrick
Copyright © 1988 Make Way Music,

Didn't know I remembered this song.  I sang it all holiday week, it was so appropriate.  And I woke up with the lyrics in my head and spent an age searching the internet for it again today.  Hooray for stored worship songs and an extremely good memory.   Tempted - without sin, (I wish) He understands, wept for my wasted years - there are sufficient of them!  That I might Live.  Hope

Defiant

Sometimes song words get under my skin.  I'm incredibly word sensitive - that's two edged. I've had disagreements over words meant kindly, or just thrown flippantly at me. The flip side is mulling over words as I walk or drive.  Today we sung Rend Collective "more than conquerors"at church and I realise I've heard this before. I actually have the CD.  Somewhere. I tend to listen to music in the car more than the house. So I drive to Budleigh listening to the words "we are more than conquerors through Christ" and "we are defiant in his name" It's a brilliant, resilient, cheerful song, which you can only sing at a belt and with volume.  I want it to soak into me like water, like dye, like plants taking sap up.  Because a little gentle defiance is what is needed at the moment.  Along with knowing God loves me and being honest, gentle and persistent.  I am trying not to let fear get me under it's black ice grip and not always succeeding.  Defiance.  Definitely. Always fight, just be sure it's worth fighting for.

The sun was out for a brief hour and a half and the sea was strongly striped with deep jade and rusty brown.  The general fashion trend was sunglasses and woolly hats - and defiant ice cream eating!  Not for me.  I'll save that for holiday.

Blown Away

Blustery strong wind- the sort that makes a flapping sail of your trousers and jacket.  Today's fight uphill against body blasting breeze leaves me slightened deafened and feeling more alive than I have done the rest of the week.  Brean Down is more up than down, with the delightful surprise of an 18th century fort to discover and ramble around. My friend is so pleased that I have never been here and we "walk and talk" and lean on 20th century searchlight emplacement walls and dream.  Or at least I do.

Wind is cleansing, a healing relaxant.  So are bacon rolls and tea and a very unseasonal ice cream .  The first of the season.  March is a new month and such things need celebrating with morello cherry and white choc chip icecream.  Lent?  I promised to give up milk chocolate, not white or dark!!

Sarah Sat Nav

I have a new toy.  She's an early "from me to me with a little parental contribution" present.  Timely.  Where was she all my life?  Oh but she is bossy.  I took her up to the valley of the rocks on Exmoor for a little run as I was 7 O'clock restless and knew me and God weren't going to sit and chat anytime soon.  Sarah S N suggested and then INSISTED I turn left - but I went up over Stoke Hill to drive the valley road with its twisty route.  It brings out my inner rally driver, this route up to Lynton.

Daffodils and puddles, sandbags on the doorsteps, boards up along the harbour beach entrance wall.  But instead of a storm, there was sunshine.  I spend some time photographing boats in the harbour and the lumpy chains that hold them down, avenues of posts like some kind of wood henge.  Sunk deep in a sofa in the Lynmouth tourist information cafe with a fluffy cappucino, I read the book I couldn't sit still to read earlier - a second reading of "There are no strong people" by Jeff Lucas.  It's been a tough week. The coast path winds up a steep climb and I emerged breathless and sticky into the wind and deep shadowed green of the coast.  Bent and twisted trees, bright sharp gorse and layered rocks in the sharp clear light of a pre-storm day.

I feel my soul fill up again and a burst of happy joy.  I love this place, it's my refuge.  Down the goat track path to the "alternative" beach with it's deep driven green bowl sides, gritty grey sand and the most magnificent sea with creaming waves, blown sea spume, froth and bubbles.  There is just nothing like the sound of the sea and the sight of all that spray bursting up in front of you to make you relax.  I take photo after photo and watch and listen.

1st day of Spring?

Today started, spring-like with a walk to work watching signs: blossom, daffodils, catkins, birds calling in the trees to each other, furry magnolia buds fattening.  Spring is creeping along and it makes me chirrup with joy!  The darkness is going!!

I've had a day of slightly hysterical laughter, trying to figure out how I am supposed to know who has attended courses when they: use a different name at work/haven't updated their records/are called Janet but known as Gail/signed the attendance sheet in such a scrawl/share a name with at least four others.

To say nothing of the person who left their pink and blue unicorn patterned lunch bag - whose name is nothing like the one on our training database!  Her healthy lunch of crisps and chocolate had us beady eyed, clock watching as it ticked towards 4.30 and the bag hadn't been claimed...she turned up....ah well, yogurt and fruit was much nicer.

Faith in the Fog

I'm reading Jeff Lucas' book "Faith in the Fog".  A book which puts the encounter of Jesus and Peter under the lens of a skillful writer with a reflective heart.  I'm loving it. Touching on disillusion, depression, shame and wrong beliefs about God, it is hitting where it hurts.  February is a diffident month, a month of snowdrops and sparkling mornings but also hazy dank soaked days like the one above.  When you wear a woolly hat walking at 7.30am not because it's cold but because dripping water vapour makes fine, baby soft hair turn into unruly spikes - just the look I want to cultivate at work!

Sometimes I feel like I am walking in fog in winter.  But I do need to enjoy moments like taking this photo.  Because it turned into a pretty decent day when the mists cleared.  I love reading books with my bookclub - they suggest ones like the author above that I have never heard of. Conversations open up with others when I'm caught, deep in a book in a public place.  Stealth evangelism is my style - I am always delighted and surprised when a book opens a conversation to a little deeper glimpse into someone's heart.

As a child I devoured books, as a adult I am not much better!