Last weekend we celebrated World Mental Health Day. And my computer needing fixing, it was as lacking in charge as my heart that day. For whatever reason!
To explain, I have, for quite a few years had a recurring pattern of SAD - seasonal affective distorder. To those who say it's just winter blues, and that everyone feels miserable and/or down in winter is possibly not helpful. It's what I used to say until I found out that most people don't wake up crying in the morning in winter, as soon as it starts to darken. Nor do they have to prise themselves out of bed - and I am a chronically early riser, nor do they wake at 3am with what can only be described as the soundtrack of your worst enemy giving you a hard time. Using a bright light doesn't help. At all. It was a most unpleasant few years, until friends who loved me noticed the misery, as well they might, and with gentle persistence suggested I talk to my doctor.
So now, after a couple years of on-off attempts, I now take sertraline, which is a modern antidepressant. Every morning. Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter. Without arguing. I don't like the emotional "flatness" - I quite enjoyed the feeling of sensitivity and highs and lows can be quite fun!
But this is world mental HEALTH day, so, yes, although it is dark and getting cold, and I have all the right triggers, and still get that cobalt dark feeling and I still wake early, and still need to bribe myself out of bed, and can easily get into a pattern of blue tears and thinking. But the difference is that I am aware of it, have a level playing field, thanks to steadying drugs. So here are the helpful things I do in case anyone reading should like a little enlightening! I set breakfast ingredients out - or prep the night before so I can say to myself "you LIKE coconut porridge - yes, I know it sounds daft! I leave my swimming costume on the bathroom floor on a Friday night so that I literally fall over it when hauling myself out of bed grumbling "why the hell did I book such an early swim? (the answer is early morning outside light - the best therapy out)
I make sure I have a book by the bed - a light read one! I register to walk for a " race at your pace" medal - they cost £10 and it seems a waste of money, but in Autumn shading into Winter I need the incentive, the push and that lovely sense of achievement it brings. And they are beautiful to look at.
So, with the understanding of the above, I offer today's walk. But please don't read it that I am a blythe person who drifts through the world seeing lovely things even in a year of pandemic, I don't - I ration the news input but I read a serious book alongside a more fun one most days.
This morning wisps of candyfloss drift over the gunmetal sea.
Turnstones scatter to the steady, wash back of the waves.
It gives me a sense of solidity.
Someone is roller blading, ski sticks clattering
Others stand, hatted, jacketed, watching.
My head feels as grey as morning porridge
Above the horizon's belt of cumulus a peach line appears
I watch it deepen to a rectangle of tangerine.
Rays batter downwards, as the sun struggles against the cloud bank.
I'd like to watch and see it rise, steadily but the swimming pool calls!
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